Vacate the seat

(but I'm keeping the one on wheels. I need that.)

I have a problem saying no to things. It’s become such an issue that people have started asking me about it in interviews (for a cracking example, and an interview I’m very proud of, check out the Inspiring Doctors podcast from the BMA).

It’s a reasonable thing to ask me, as I have a CV that looks impressive, but also a tad chaotic, as I’ve leapt between, and simultaneously juggled, multiple roles for the last decade or so (for a rough guide to the sheer scale of this, check out my bio here).

Now, I have to accept that my ADHD is barely blameless in this. The dopamine hit that comes from every new request that pops up in my inbox is truly addictive. Someone thought OF ME. Someone saw something I’ve done, or were told about me, and they WANT TO WORK WITH ME. Given those of us who are my kind of neurospicy often experience Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (the slightest knock from another human can send me spinning into the depths of despair, convinced that the whole world would prefer me to go and live in a cave), these requests on my time are like the perfect antidote - except they come with their own form of risk, because I find myself clutching to them like a life raft. “YES THAT PERSON ON THE BUS LOOKED AT ME FUNNY AND SO CLEARLY I AM THE WORST PERSON ON THE PLANET, BUT THERE IS THIS ONE PERSON WHO LIKES WHAT I DO ENOUGH TO EMPLOY ME!!!” I below to myself, as I claw my way back to some semblance of normality, forgetting all the other people who have asked to work with me that month.

There’s also the obsession I have with vocation and being of service. It’s lazy to blame this all on growing up as the eldest daughter of #RevDaddyPops - my obsessively-volunteering mother is just as responsible - but I don’t think it’s much of a surprise that their kids have ended up as a doctor and a charity manager. They’re not oblivious; as my mother said not so long ago, “It’s lovely that you’ve both chosen vocational roles that help people - but it’d be great if one of you earned decent money.”

Really, I’m incredibly lucky with the roles and opportunities I’m offered, and a lot of them are hard to say no to because I really, genuinely want to do them. This is how I ended up studying three different undergraduate degrees (and I still keep finding more courses I want to do). I have a thirst not only for life, but for every experience available to me, I want to travel, to meeting interesting people, to learn new languages (I’m determined to get BSL under my belt this year, any tips gratefully received). Some opportunities pay, which is always a bonus for someone who can’t physically do her clinical role more than 3 days a week (and if you’re reading this thinking, ooo, I need a gobby, knowledgeable Speaker/Writer/EDI Consultant, please get in touch!).

I want to work with the vast majority of the wonderful people who approach me, particularly the ones who I’ve worked with before, but I know that if I always say yes, then none of them will get the best of me, because I’ll be a chewed up, dried out husk of a woman, burnt out by her failure to be a bit strategic.

I know all of these things.

But as a wonderful ADHD expert who knows me well said recently (and I’m paraphrasing) ‘ADHD brains often know what they’re doing, or not doing. That’s not the problem. The problem is they can’t easily change those behaviours, however destructive they may be’.

Guilty as charged.

So I’m trying to think about this conundrum differently, as demonstrated beautifully by the glorious Katherine Ryan (link at the bottom of this post). I’m trying to de-centre myself and think of other people I know who would benefit from some of these opportunities, and pass them along. There are so many amazing people out there who are blimmin’ excellent, who deserve these roles, so I’m trying to learn when and how to Vacate the Seat, or as the wonderful Mandu Reid, Leader of the Women’s Equality Party and thus my ex-Boss puts it; ‘Pass The Mic’.

I can’t guarantee I’ll always manage it, or that I’ll always get it right, but having had a particularly spectacular bout of burnout earlier this year (that’s a post for another day), I know changes need to continue to be made.

So, I’d love to know who you think deserves more exposure in the circles I work in; Health, Diversity, LGBTQ+, Disability, all of it. Who may be missing from my little black book of amazing activists who are changing the world? Let me know.

Currently knitting; well, crocheting, a blanket for a friends’ forthcoming baby, from a pattern by Mushyy

Currently reading: Henna Wars, on Audiobook, by Abida Jaigirdar

Currently growing: Newly sown onions and garlic

Upcoming public speaking gig: I’m giving the first of the newly re-launched Ebor Lectures at York St John University on 22nd November, and there is a virtual ticket option!

Whilst I’m keeping this Substack free for now as I get going, if you want to support my work, writing and activism, you can always buy me a Ko-Fi. Thanks!